Autumn Rose, back
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Holding on to precious memories
Inchmark has a great idea for a little pick me up, a little memory keeping, a little inspiration for our days.
I take no credit for this but I am going to shameless copy this.
My cousin does this by posting her child's sunny saying on Facebook. But this method is much more immediate. Regardless, if it is good enough for Joan, it's good enough for me.
I hope you find some inspiration close to home. I hope you can take a few moments out of your day to capture that ray of joy and purity. I know there are those of you out there feeling pretty low today. I'm thinking about you.
I take no credit for this but I am going to shameless copy this.
My cousin does this by posting her child's sunny saying on Facebook. But this method is much more immediate. Regardless, if it is good enough for Joan, it's good enough for me.
I hope you find some inspiration close to home. I hope you can take a few moments out of your day to capture that ray of joy and purity. I know there are those of you out there feeling pretty low today. I'm thinking about you.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
D-I-V-O-R-C-E
I was divorced this morning. 11 years, two kids and many long and lonely nights. For both of us. Any marriage hit rough patches. I’m not anti-divorce, some relationships need to end. But it is too often the selfish and stupid path to choose. Divorce, especially when there are children involved, does not “fix” or “end” your problems, they merely give force you to deal with a different set of problems.
The process of divorce was expensive and emotionally damaging both to us and to our kids. But in so many ways, even though we are no longer legally man and wife, we will be tied to each other emotionally and financially. I get 1/2 of his pension and deferred comp, regardless of remarriage (Highly UN likely) when he retires. That will be a monthly reminder in my old age of the time we were together. I guess the point I am trying to make is that I still believe, despite everything he did to me, that we COULD HAVE SURVIVED, if he would have had the courage to fight for our marriage. While I’m happy it’s over, I know that this could have ended differently. That marital and parenting counseling would have been MUCH cheaper and all of us; him, me, our kids, would be happier today. And it’s my disappointment in his lack of courage that stings the most.
So what is the moral of this sad tale? My Ex-Husband faced inhuman levels of stress, saw un-imaginable horror. We as wives and mothers also face our share of daily stress. Life can so quickly and easily put things like our relationships on the back burner. If you’re waiting for the “right” time to talk about what’s going on in your relationship, then it’s already too late. Don’t feel guilty about “burdening” him with the stress of your relationship. He’s a partner in this and needs to share in the responsibility of maintaining and improving that relationship. Just because he has this really stressful job, doesn’t mean that his emotional needs take priority over yours. Just as you need to support him, he needs to support you. Asking for the things you need is not selfish. Giving him the things he needs (time, space, an outlet) is just as important. We are not superwomen and we can’t fix everything for them.
Finally, I’ll sign off with on last piece of advice.
No one who has been married for 50 years was madly in love with each other every day for 50 years. There WILL be times when you have to be more committed to your marriage than you are to the person you married. But if you work at maintaining your relationship, building it back up when things erode, repairing it when things are broken, then you can and will survive.
The process of divorce was expensive and emotionally damaging both to us and to our kids. But in so many ways, even though we are no longer legally man and wife, we will be tied to each other emotionally and financially. I get 1/2 of his pension and deferred comp, regardless of remarriage (Highly UN likely) when he retires. That will be a monthly reminder in my old age of the time we were together. I guess the point I am trying to make is that I still believe, despite everything he did to me, that we COULD HAVE SURVIVED, if he would have had the courage to fight for our marriage. While I’m happy it’s over, I know that this could have ended differently. That marital and parenting counseling would have been MUCH cheaper and all of us; him, me, our kids, would be happier today. And it’s my disappointment in his lack of courage that stings the most.
So what is the moral of this sad tale? My Ex-Husband faced inhuman levels of stress, saw un-imaginable horror. We as wives and mothers also face our share of daily stress. Life can so quickly and easily put things like our relationships on the back burner. If you’re waiting for the “right” time to talk about what’s going on in your relationship, then it’s already too late. Don’t feel guilty about “burdening” him with the stress of your relationship. He’s a partner in this and needs to share in the responsibility of maintaining and improving that relationship. Just because he has this really stressful job, doesn’t mean that his emotional needs take priority over yours. Just as you need to support him, he needs to support you. Asking for the things you need is not selfish. Giving him the things he needs (time, space, an outlet) is just as important. We are not superwomen and we can’t fix everything for them.
Finally, I’ll sign off with on last piece of advice.
No one who has been married for 50 years was madly in love with each other every day for 50 years. There WILL be times when you have to be more committed to your marriage than you are to the person you married. But if you work at maintaining your relationship, building it back up when things erode, repairing it when things are broken, then you can and will survive.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Winter, where are you
I like snow. I really do. Even when I had to shovel, there where something satisfying about being in the cold, moving the stuff and working up a sweat. It's December in WI, and we still don't have snow. Supposedly, it's on it's way tonight. We'll see.
Thanksgiving was a wonderful time. It's always been my favorite holiday and not just because every few years it falls on my birthday. Thanksgiving is all the good parts of Christmas without any of the hassle of Christmas. There is no stress of buying gifts, no hassle of chimney to cellar decorating. It's just family coming together to eat and enjoy each others company. This was the first time many years I had gone home for the holiday. Because HE often had to work, I stayed put with the kids and we made our own holiday. I won't lie. It was hard not to think that HE should be with us, especially when it was dark and rainy and I was alone with my thoughts while the kids slept in the back seat. It was all I could do not to pick up the phone and tell him how much I missed him and how I wished he was there with me. But it's bad enough that I torture myself, I won't give him any openings to do the same. It was our first Thanksgiving if not divorced legally, divorced emotionally. I stopped in the middle of the night and spent a few hours sleeping over a my cousin's house. We chatted and talked and tried to catch up. Eventually, I made the kids come take a nap and we slept for a few hours before creeping out in the early morning darkness to head out west. Thanks Nat and Joe.
There is always something about the last few miles to your childhood home. The route is so familiar and yet, when you've been gone for a long time, everything and every mile seems like the first time you took the car out after getting your learner's permit. Look at the trees, they really grew. Oh, they painted their house. Of course, none of this matters to your kids and you only further cement your reputation as an addled brained adult.
The kids and I pulled into the farm just before Thanksgiving dinner. The house smelled like home and family. That sort of warm blanket feel you get when you come home. My brother, bless him, had made a special trip home from college so he could see us. It was the only holiday all of my parents kids would be home. It was a lot of driving and he had lots of work to do but that not so little anymore boy still makes me proud. My niece was waiting, not so patiently for her cousins to arrive. The ties of family are mysteriously strong. Despite her many friends, she adores her cousin. By now, the kids are finally old enough that they aren't killing each other, but in our family, loud rambunctious children are considered part of the family tradition. We didn't get to see my aunt and her family this year. But they're all starting their own lives and new families. We all ate too much but we sure had a good time.
The next day was my birthday. The kids are still small enough that their mother's birthday isn't much of a big deal. In fact, it wasn't. I did get them to say happy birthday to me but there were hand-made cards. When we were married, we made sure the kids made a picture or a card for the other on our birthdays. HE apparently never thought much of it since he complained that I never made a big deal out of birthdays and that I never gave him a birthday present in the 10 years we were together. To be honest, no, I don't make a big deal about birthdays and for me, the most important "gift" to give on birthdays is the knowledge that the person is loved and appreciated. For me, all I want is a hug and kiss and a card. Really. I don't want a big production and I don't want some trinket that cost money we don't have and that I really don't like.
Perhaps the hardest part of the day was taking the kids over to see their other grandparents. I knew it was the right thing to do and it was god for the kids. I hated it. I hated every second of being there and being nice and pretending that nothing had changed. I hated having her give me hug when I knew she would just as well drive a knife in my back. I hated the cursory hello from him and how he studiously avoided looking at me, talking to me, or otherwise acknowledging my presence. Oh, hi, it's just my birthday and I could spend the time with my family and I didn't have to spend it by letting you have time with your grandchildren. My sister and I ducked out, went to the coffee shop and had lunch. We browsed the only nice place to shop in town. Obviously, I was shopping on impulse because I spent way too much money on mittens.
The only thing that salvaged the rest of the birthday was meeting Lisa at the local bar. Drinks are cheap and when you go home, usually populated by your own family. I met another cousin and an old acquaintance from high school and we had a grand time. Thanks guys.
The kids and I hauled out early the next day. We did stop to see HIS parents for a short while. And we only had to turn back once, when my son realized he had left video games at my parents. The drive back was much easier, especially since the weather was better and the only major hiccup was a detour about 3 hours from home. But I called HIM and said we were going to be late. He didn't sound terribly concerned. But that was my second I wish HE was here moment, ask I struggled with the map and the traffic jam, and two worried kids and the dark trying to figure out if there was an easier way to avoid the bottleneck.
So, that was Thanksgiving. Far from Rockwell's ideal. But I am thankful for it none the less. My kids and I are doing better. My family and friends have never been stronger. So here's to new traditions.
Thanksgiving was a wonderful time. It's always been my favorite holiday and not just because every few years it falls on my birthday. Thanksgiving is all the good parts of Christmas without any of the hassle of Christmas. There is no stress of buying gifts, no hassle of chimney to cellar decorating. It's just family coming together to eat and enjoy each others company. This was the first time many years I had gone home for the holiday. Because HE often had to work, I stayed put with the kids and we made our own holiday. I won't lie. It was hard not to think that HE should be with us, especially when it was dark and rainy and I was alone with my thoughts while the kids slept in the back seat. It was all I could do not to pick up the phone and tell him how much I missed him and how I wished he was there with me. But it's bad enough that I torture myself, I won't give him any openings to do the same. It was our first Thanksgiving if not divorced legally, divorced emotionally. I stopped in the middle of the night and spent a few hours sleeping over a my cousin's house. We chatted and talked and tried to catch up. Eventually, I made the kids come take a nap and we slept for a few hours before creeping out in the early morning darkness to head out west. Thanks Nat and Joe.
There is always something about the last few miles to your childhood home. The route is so familiar and yet, when you've been gone for a long time, everything and every mile seems like the first time you took the car out after getting your learner's permit. Look at the trees, they really grew. Oh, they painted their house. Of course, none of this matters to your kids and you only further cement your reputation as an addled brained adult.
The kids and I pulled into the farm just before Thanksgiving dinner. The house smelled like home and family. That sort of warm blanket feel you get when you come home. My brother, bless him, had made a special trip home from college so he could see us. It was the only holiday all of my parents kids would be home. It was a lot of driving and he had lots of work to do but that not so little anymore boy still makes me proud. My niece was waiting, not so patiently for her cousins to arrive. The ties of family are mysteriously strong. Despite her many friends, she adores her cousin. By now, the kids are finally old enough that they aren't killing each other, but in our family, loud rambunctious children are considered part of the family tradition. We didn't get to see my aunt and her family this year. But they're all starting their own lives and new families. We all ate too much but we sure had a good time.
The next day was my birthday. The kids are still small enough that their mother's birthday isn't much of a big deal. In fact, it wasn't. I did get them to say happy birthday to me but there were hand-made cards. When we were married, we made sure the kids made a picture or a card for the other on our birthdays. HE apparently never thought much of it since he complained that I never made a big deal out of birthdays and that I never gave him a birthday present in the 10 years we were together. To be honest, no, I don't make a big deal about birthdays and for me, the most important "gift" to give on birthdays is the knowledge that the person is loved and appreciated. For me, all I want is a hug and kiss and a card. Really. I don't want a big production and I don't want some trinket that cost money we don't have and that I really don't like.
Perhaps the hardest part of the day was taking the kids over to see their other grandparents. I knew it was the right thing to do and it was god for the kids. I hated it. I hated every second of being there and being nice and pretending that nothing had changed. I hated having her give me hug when I knew she would just as well drive a knife in my back. I hated the cursory hello from him and how he studiously avoided looking at me, talking to me, or otherwise acknowledging my presence. Oh, hi, it's just my birthday and I could spend the time with my family and I didn't have to spend it by letting you have time with your grandchildren. My sister and I ducked out, went to the coffee shop and had lunch. We browsed the only nice place to shop in town. Obviously, I was shopping on impulse because I spent way too much money on mittens.
The only thing that salvaged the rest of the birthday was meeting Lisa at the local bar. Drinks are cheap and when you go home, usually populated by your own family. I met another cousin and an old acquaintance from high school and we had a grand time. Thanks guys.
The kids and I hauled out early the next day. We did stop to see HIS parents for a short while. And we only had to turn back once, when my son realized he had left video games at my parents. The drive back was much easier, especially since the weather was better and the only major hiccup was a detour about 3 hours from home. But I called HIM and said we were going to be late. He didn't sound terribly concerned. But that was my second I wish HE was here moment, ask I struggled with the map and the traffic jam, and two worried kids and the dark trying to figure out if there was an easier way to avoid the bottleneck.
So, that was Thanksgiving. Far from Rockwell's ideal. But I am thankful for it none the less. My kids and I are doing better. My family and friends have never been stronger. So here's to new traditions.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
400 Pages In Four Months - The Daily Dish | By Andrew Sullivan
On the one hand, I am so tired of this woman. On the other hand, she's like a bad car crash, you JUST-CAN'T-LOOK-AWAY. Poor Andrew, I too, feel his pain. Won't someone please come and rescue the GOP? Please? Whatever happened to the Goldwater Republicans?
400 Pages In Four Months - The Daily Dish | By Andrew Sullivan
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400 Pages In Four Months - The Daily Dish | By Andrew Sullivan
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Monday, September 28, 2009
Um, HIATUS!
So, what's the past two years been like for you?
Mine, not so much
STBX (that's soon-to-be-ex for the uninitiated) went off the deep end. We're divorcing. Sad and not what I wanted but the better. It's been a long and difficult healing process for me. Perhaps the hardest part was coming to the realization that this relationship has been so very damaging to me. I've known for years that love is never enough to sustain a relationship. It needs trust and respect as well and without it, no amount of love can save a relationship. The silver lining is that I lost 20 pounds.
Enough about the sad, let's cover happy. So, what have I finished since I disappeared. I did finish the Evelyn Clark's field of Flowers shawl. It lives with my soon to be ex-mother in law.
I finished my first steeked project, Eunny Jang's Autumn Rose. I started two projects from Norsk Strikke Design. And a Bohus cardigan.
The kids and I moved into an apartment over the summer. It's nice and we like it. They spent a lot of time in the pool. They're both going to be such good little swimmers! I joined the church choir and we sang our first song last sunday. It's nice to have an activity that involves other people, like, ADULT people. After church we went to Meyer's Family Restaurant and had a great meal to celebrate the church's 50 anniverary. I can say enough about my church. The congregation has been so friendly and welcoming. The atmosphere immediately made me think of Zion.
Anyway, I'm slowing getting back on my feet and I must say, I am actually starting to look forward to it.
Mine, not so much
STBX (that's soon-to-be-ex for the uninitiated) went off the deep end. We're divorcing. Sad and not what I wanted but the better. It's been a long and difficult healing process for me. Perhaps the hardest part was coming to the realization that this relationship has been so very damaging to me. I've known for years that love is never enough to sustain a relationship. It needs trust and respect as well and without it, no amount of love can save a relationship. The silver lining is that I lost 20 pounds.
Enough about the sad, let's cover happy. So, what have I finished since I disappeared. I did finish the Evelyn Clark's field of Flowers shawl. It lives with my soon to be ex-mother in law.
I finished my first steeked project, Eunny Jang's Autumn Rose. I started two projects from Norsk Strikke Design. And a Bohus cardigan.
The kids and I moved into an apartment over the summer. It's nice and we like it. They spent a lot of time in the pool. They're both going to be such good little swimmers! I joined the church choir and we sang our first song last sunday. It's nice to have an activity that involves other people, like, ADULT people. After church we went to Meyer's Family Restaurant and had a great meal to celebrate the church's 50 anniverary. I can say enough about my church. The congregation has been so friendly and welcoming. The atmosphere immediately made me think of Zion.
Anyway, I'm slowing getting back on my feet and I must say, I am actually starting to look forward to it.
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